How to admit that you were wrong (and change for the better)

Fluttershy image by 305Nat on DeviantArt. Character developed by Lauren Faust.

In my previous post, I talked about failure and accountability — how working together means holding yourself accountable for how you support your coworkers and how you regard and respond to mistakes made within a team. As a follow-up to that, today I will discuss some of the ways we can address our own mistakes, and start contributing to that lovely collaborative climate I talked about.

First, we’ve got to free ourselves from the need to be right all the time.

“I used to think being ‘right’ was a big deal,” Johnathan Morrow wrote. “I had to say the right thing, dress the right way, know the right people, read the right books, live in the right neighborhood, go to the right school. It wasn’t because I wanted to, exactly, but because I thought it was a prerequisite for success.”

But the fact is — as we discussed — that being right all the time isn’t half so conducive to success as is failing safely and learning from it. And one of the biggest ways we do this every day is through the seemingly simply process of changing our minds.

Changing your mind: it’s a pretty powerful concept if you take a moment to think about it.

Changes of mind often manifest as subtle, gradual shifts in opinion. It’s not until you look back on something you did or wrote a few years ago and think, “My goodness! Did I, really?” that you realize your mind has changed. It happens as gradually as a rough stone is worn smooth, tumbling in the surf and sand of a beach.

However, occasionally, changing your mind is less like erosion than it is akin to a landslide: troubled first by a few trickling pebbles of doubt, we shortly find ourselves gobsmacked at the revelation of our own error.

This is not a pleasant experience, and so it makes sense that the mind is capable of executing astonishingly acrobatic rationalizations and leaps in logic in order to avoid it.

Everyone makes mistakes, big and small. In fact, as I argued previously, being wrong is essential. But rather than fixate on the little whoopsie-daisies, let’s focus on the big whomp-whomps: regardless of whether we meant to, what happens when we realize that we did something that was patently unwise, or believed something that was provably false? What happens when we really screw up?

When we realize we were wrong

Good for us! Recognizing an error or inconsistency in one’s own actions or thinking is no mean feat, considering how very predisposed humans generally are towards avoiding such realizations.

First of all, we will award ourselves a cookie to munch on while we discuss next steps, because I like cookies.

Cookie photo by roboppy on Flickr (Creative Commons)

Now let’s get down to business! Being wrong isn’t all that bad if we handle it well.

Acknowledge the error. Say “oops”. Say it aloud. Shout it, even. Do not self-immolate or indulge in excessive guilt-wallowing, but own your error and embrace it as the means through which you desire to improve yourself. As the Japanese saying goes: “tsuyoku naritai!”

Consider the factors that led your error. Now I’m not talking about shifting the blame, here. I am talking about an honest reflection on the complete context. Chances are good that if you have discovered one erroneous belief, there are others that are connected or contributed to it. Ideas are like that. Take into account the entire scope of the problem.

Decide how your actions should change. Make some decisions about how you should change your habits or workflow in light of your error. Formulate your plan with an eye to rectification and prevention of future errors, if you can. Map out some steps you can take to improve things — and actually follow through.

Resist the urge to cover your tracks. Naturally, we want to distance ourselves from the erroneous opinion or mistake. But in the case of a significant error, one of the worst things we can do is attempt to retcon the past into alignment with the present. I have made this mistake before: simply revising a statement without indicating that the content had been changed. While in most cases this is a fairly innocent impulse undertaken in the interest of quality and accuracy, some people may interpret it as an attempt to destroy the evidence or deny the error. If you wish, you may choose to go back and update or append previously published materials to reflect your change in opinion.

Depending on the nature of the error, it may not be necessary to make any kind of announcement or public acknowledgement. This is entirely up to the individual.

However, we should also consider the possibility that other people have noticed our error but said nothing. Naturally, there is no way to know for sure without asking, and not all cases demand this. But if we do decide that it is in our best interests to publicly acknowledge the error, we should treat it similarly to when…

When someone else points out that we are wrong

Don’t be dismissive or defensive. Take some time to think about feedback and formulate your response. I am often guilty of trying to fall back on my good intentions, but it’s important that we prioritize the outcomes — we’ll tend to our battered self-esteem in a moment.

Take responsibility. Feel free to share your side of the story, but do not attempt to deflect blame onto another person, or derail the discussion onto a tangential issue at the expense of your critic’s concerns. The best way to take responsibility is simply to say so, or offer a sincere apology. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean shouldering all the blame — it means empowering yourself to enact positive change on a situation in which you play a part.

Formulate and share your commitment to a proactive response. See “decide how your actions should change” above.

Look at the big picture. Remember that your mistake is just one data point along the entire plot of your reputation. Concentrate more on how you handle the situation than on your own embarrassment. To quote Julia Galef: “If people learn that you're willing to concede a point if it's warranted, then on those occasions when you don't concede, they'll be more likely to take your objections seriously rather than dismissing them as obstinacy.” You may have permanently altered your relationship with someone by making your mistake, but you have the power to continue impacting that relationship with positive change.

How do you deal with it when you find yourself in error? On the other side of the climbing rope, what can your colleagues do to support you when you mess up? Share your ideas on Twitter or in the comments!